Chapter 1

Hurrah, hurrah, hur freaking rah!

I was at my girlfriend’s house and her boyfriend had just proposed. She was jumping up and down feigning surprise like she hadn’t seen it coming. Hell my driver saw it coming and ten miles away too. I walked up to congratulate her.

'Oh darling, this is so wonderful, I'm so happy for youuuuu!' I said, giving her a great big hug, hoping my voice wasn't sounding strained. I thought I sounded like a constipated fowl but hopefully that was just me being paranoid. We all gathered around her oohing and ahhing at the ring.

'Did you see this coming?’ Ruki asked, gazing upon Ose’s face in awe and admiration. You would have thought that she had just rid the world of hunger or discovered the solution to corruption.
'No,' Ose said, dancing around giddy with excitement, 'I didn't even have an inkling.’ She clasped her hands together grinning from ear to ear. I was a little worried that she would explode any second or fall from the lightheadedness she might be experiencing from opening her eyes so wide. Then she stretched out THE hand, 'Look at the ring, booboo has such good taste doesn't he? It’s a Harry Winston.'
Trying not to laugh at the use of the word ‘booboo’, I peered at the beautiful emerald cut diamond ring which seemed to be glowing from within. The brilliance of the displaced light was causing some damage to my left eye because it was twitching, I could feel it. There should be a ban for such things if they damage your health shouldn’t there? I mean it was all vanity anyway. People were killing themselves over this so called precious stone which was actually not rare but full in abundance. Tola and Omo volunteered their hands to compare the three different stones. Seriously where is a saw when you need one? Or a gun to shoot me?!

I spied a glance around the room, all the girls were green with envy of different magnitudes, and those with boyfriends were probably having fantasies about their own proposals. I wondered how many people were genuinely happy for Ose. Everyone had smiles plastered across their faces but some of the smiles looked like upside down frowns. Oh my, maybe I have reached that age where I can't be happy for someone else getting married. My mum told me about this, when you get so angry and bitter that you can’t ever love anyone and no one wants to be friends with you because you become such a sadist, so you end up living alone in a flat far far far away. I think it was a ruse to scare me into marriage. But shoot, I’m not that old! I mean 26 and a half is not old is it? I tried to convince myself, I'm happy to be single sexy and free dammit.

After dinner, the excitement seemed to have quelled a little, we sat around the table in the dinning room and of course what else was there to discuss but who was next.

'Well Tife has been dating Ray for four years now, I think he might propose next'. Tife blushed and protested with some inaudible words and Obi shouted from across the table, 'you should CLAIM it!’
Please, like four years had anything to do with. A cousin of mine once dated a guy for six years and he woke up one morning and decided she was not his soul mate. I imagined the scene being played out in my head.

ACT 1: (In the bedroom),
Girl: (Yawns), just waking up from sleep. She smiles slowly as she remembers the delicious lovemaking last night. Wonders what guy wants for breakfast, so taps him on the back
Guy: Sits up straight with a sudden start, turns to girl in a trance like motion and says in a husky voice, ‘Honey, you are not my soul mate,’ like in the way Arnold Schwarzenegger would say it.
ACT 2: The ambulance pulls up to the house
Fade out, roll the credits

I realised that I had made a huge mistake daydreaming because I may have missed a window of opportunity to escape. At that point I tried to leave the table, but unfortunately it was a second too late. Jennifer turned to me and asked slyly, ‘So Zee’, everyone turned their attention to me. Bloody idiots, I didn’t want to have this conversation. Yes I have been single but I mean was it really appropriate right then, right there, that minute? Damn them all!
‘Are you seeing anyone?’ They knew I wasn't seeing anyone. It was just a way for them to create a false subgroup of the girls on the table so they could feel better about their individual situations.

Subgroup A- The sad has been single for so long girl
Subgroup B- The just became single but will probably be in a relationship tomorrow girl aka the waltzes in and out of a relationship like its a piece of cake girl
Subgroup C- The in a relationship girl, be it a bad or good relationship
Subgroup D- The engaged girl
Subgroup E- The married girl

I wondered if I could make up more subgroups within each subgroup, how about the extremely happy single girl enjoying her freedom with not a care in the world?
‘Zeeee!’
‘No I haven’t met anyone yet,’ I said a bit too loudly, looking around the table with some confidence I mustered up from somewhere in my belly.
‘We have to help you find someone, maybe you are too picky you know.’
‘Maybe you don’t go out enough because there are many nice guys out there.’
‘Aww, its okay, take your time, you know that Gods time is best.’
This made me wonder if God had lost his watch somehow. I made a quick prayer asking him to please have a word with St. Anthony, finder of lost items.